What not to do on a first date

Terrible poo stories

Caught Short poo stories

Submitted by Sarah
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A couple of years ago, I went on a first date with a guy I met online. We went out to dinner and were having a really lovely time together.

Halfway through the meal, just as I was beginning to think this could really go somewhere, I started to feel a bit unwell. I styled it out for a while, and was able to carry on with the dinner for as long as I could. But before the desserts arrived, my stomach was already making weird noises and I couldn’t hide it anymore.

I didn’t want him to think I was doing a runner, but I absolutely had to get out of there at once. He could see that I was genuinely feeling under the weather, and like a gentleman he offered to walk me home. But it was on the way home that things took a turn for the worse. I started to feel really dodgy.

Before the desserts arrived, my stomach was already making weird noises and I couldn’t hide it anymore.

I picked up the pace a bit, and I know I was talking at double speed just to distract myself. We finally got to my front door, where our first kiss was a panicked peck as I scrabbled around in my bag for my door key.

It was dark and I was frantic, and I just couldn’t find my keys anywhere – and I could sense that something truly hideous was about to happen…

I rang the bell for my flatmate to let me inside, all the while trying as best I could to maintain my share of the polite end-of-date chit-chat. What happened next was only reported back to me after the event.

My flatmate came to the door and said an awkward hello to my date. At which point, I took one step into the flat, vomited onto the carpet, and fainted onto the floor into my own sick. I then promptly shat myself at their feet.

Perhaps alarmingly, I am now married to this man.


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